Drunk
by Reiji Neko Mitsukai
Summary: Reiji's Bar is open first up: The cast of Chrono Cross! Will anyone survive the evening much less the entire night?


Disclaimer: Anybody in the game- don't own them.

Author's note: Er… don't ask where this came from. Just don't. Just keep in mind that I wrote this while listening to Weird Al.

It was a typical pub- round wooden tables scattered around the fairly large and dimly lighted room, a bar with stools lining one wall with an assortment of alcoholic drinks behind the counter. The bartender stood behind the bar, wearing a white apron and wiping a clean glass with a dishtowel. A pool table was set up in the corner, four men playing. This bar, however, was very different than the others, as it was completely full of the playable characters from the game Chrono Cross.

That, and all of them- **all of them**- were _utterly_ hammered.

Most were sitting at the tables, nursing drinks and talking quietly amongst themselves. Several sat at the bar, including Norris, Guile, and Sneff. Poshul and Pip had fallen asleep under the tables. Fargo and Nikki were playing pool, having father-son time together, as were Zappa and Karsh. Razzly had become so drunk she flew straight into a simple-looking chandelier, and found her situation so funny she could do nothing but giggle. Serge sat at a table with Kid, Leena and Harle, telling cheap jokes while the girls fawned over his every word. Viper and Lynx stood near the bar, arms around each other's shoulders as they waved their mugs around, singing off-key and often pronouncing the words wrong. Sprigg was playing a ukulele to their songs- missing more than a few notes. Korcha and Macha were dancing on a nearby table to Lynx and Viper's songs. Greco walked around bullying people, stealing their drinks. Zoah sat at a table in the back corner, moping and weeping about how no one understood him- inside, he's a really nice, soft-spoken guy. Radius sat next to him, offering poorly timed advice and "words of wisdom" that made absolutely no sense ("Poop stinks for a reason" being one of many). Marcy, upon attempting a trick, became so entangled in her own strings she could only giggle at her predicament. Glenn sat at a table, brooding over his father and brother, while Riddel sat across the table, watching him with a dreamy look on her face. The others were either watching the "performance" or sitting at the tables or bar, talking or passed out from their alcohol consumption.

Norris and Guile sat at the bar, both hunched over the edge and slowly drinking their drinks. Sneff sat on the other side of Guile, face on the bar and a half-finished drink in front of him. He hadn't moved in at least twenty minutes; Guile and Norris assumed he had passed out.

"Y' know," said Norris, rocking slightly in his seat. "I think my life has reached an all-time low."

"What'er y' talkin' about?" asked Guile before taking another sip of his drink. "You're the commander of a freakin' _army_…"

"Lookit me… here I am, sitting at a bar getting wasted next to two magicians…"

Guile, having almost finished his, glanced over at Sneff before taking the half-empty glass in front of him. "So?"

"'So?' How long have we been here? Hours? Days? How many drinks have we had? I mean, I don't drink much, but I didn't know my tolerance was this high… I should have been out like him-" He nudged his drink towards the magician that was on the other side of Guile, out like a light. "- _hours_ ago."

"At least that authoress- whatshername- hasn't written anything about _you_ yet…"

"Reiji?"

Guile shuddered.

Norris smirked as he took another drink.

"Three of 'em- _three_ of those accursed squaddles or whatever she calls 'em- she's written about me… awful… You'd think she'd at least _finish_ the game first…"

Norris shrugged one shoulder as he brought his glass to his lips. "At least you got a hott girlfriend…"

Guile nodded slightly as he stared down at his drink, swirling it around in his glass. "Yeah… She's half demi-human, but I guess it ain't so bad… It's either her or Luccia." He emptied his glass. "Reiji'll be writing about you sooner or later… I'd give her a month; tops."

Norris muttered something incoherent as he took another drink.

"She's just started liking you. She's been ogling me since the beginning of the game." He grimaced. "It was my WandaIn that did it, I guess. She saw the 'over the shoulder' thing and was hooked." He paused, looking down into his empty glass. "I suppose my good looks had something to do with it too."

Norris, who had just taken a drink, nearly snorted it back out through his nose. He barely managed to swallow it all before laughing out loud, leaning back so far he almost fell off the stool.

Guile looked at him, slightly annoyed. "What?"

Eventually Norris regained himself, holding his sides. "Your good looks!… That's a good one!… Ah…" He wiped away a tear of merriment before returning to leaning on the bar.

"I'm serious!"

He chuckled as he downed the rest of his drink. "Yeah; and I'm Leonardo Dicaprio…"

"I am!"

Norris looked at Guile, jabbing his thumb at his own chest. "Look; _I'm_ the one she looked at and blushed, okay? Not some trickster who _lamely_ named his stick _Wanda_."

"It's not a stick!" exclaimed Guile, his face flushing. "It's a wand! And there's nothing wrong with naming a wand Wanda!"

There was a sudden screech and a loud "RAWR!" that came from Serge's table. All three girls were at each other's throats, resulting in a massive catfight. Shouts of "HE'S MINE!" and various insults sounded from the large dust cloud that had formed around the three fighting females. Serge, so drunk he was completely clueless as to what was going on, sat in his chair and giggled. Aside from Guile, Norris, and Serge, the fight went unnoticed.

The bartender, who had moved to the two men at the bar, let out a low whistle. "That's gonna be one heck of a fight…"

Noting that the voice was female, the two men looked up at the bartender. The next second their eyes widened, cursing simultaneously as they instinctively pushed themselves back. The stools were bolted to the floor however, and they both ended up on their backs on the floor.

The bartender's face appeared above them as she leaned over the bar, her dark gray ears perked up as she looked at them curiously. The shock of their realization still in their minds, the two men could only utter the same words simultaneously as they stared wide-eyed at the face above them.

"Oh… crap…"

Her face split into a grin. "So you _do_ know who I am! I was worried you wouldn't recognize me…"

"Wait," said Guile, lifting his head to look at Norris. The Porre soldier did the same. "_We're_ here…" He looked up at the bartender, pointing up at her. "… and _she's_ here…" He looked back at Norris and gestured towards all in the room. "… and everyone's drunk _except_ for her…"

"That means…" Norris' face suddenly paled. "Oh Gods…"

"WE'RE IN A FANFIC!" they wailed in unison.

They both let themselves collapse to the ground as Reiji chuckled from above them. "Everyone is just too drunk to care. You two are on your own for this one."

"Two favorite characters…" murmured Guile, his right hand over his eyes. "… and we're at her mercy…"

"She doesn't have any!" exclaimed Norris as he reached for his gun. "Just kill me now!…" His reach proved futile, as, he realized with dismay, that there was no gun in it's holster.

"_Ahem_…"

He looked up to see his gun in Reiji's hand overhead.

"There _is_ a reason I took all the weapons at the door when everyone came…"

Guile suddenly pushed himself up from the floor. "Gods, I need a drink…" He sat himself back on his stool, where Reiji refilled his glass. Norris' gun had disappeared.

"Wait." Norris got up from the floor, returning to his seat as well. "This makes sense."

Guile snorted. "Nothing's made sense since we got here," he muttered before taking a sip of his drink.

Norris hit the bar with his fist. "Exactly. We're in a fanfic. Look around us…" He gestured at everyone in the bar. "I mean; Kid, Harle, and Leena are at each other's throats over Serge. Lynx and Viper have their arms around each other, singing some Spanish drinking song-"

The demi-human and general were still waving their drinks around, deliriously happy as they sang loudly.

"Aye aye aye aye! Aye aye mi amor! Aye mi corena di mi corazon!"

Reiji shrugged. "Of course they are. That's the first song my Spanish teacher taught me."

"-Which there's no WAY they could have known in the first place. Nikki and Fargo broke down crying a few minutes ago, like Karsh and Zappa-"

Just as he said, the game of pool had stopped altogether, the two groups of father and son hugging each other. Drunken wails of "I love you Dad!" and "I love you son!" were heard over the singing. No one seemed to notice or care.

"- Children and animals are durnk. Heck; even Gra… Grobbie… the android's drunk! And he's an _android_!"

Grobyc sat at a table by himself, smiling and laughing at no one in particular. "I wish I was a real boy!" He hiccuped.

Reiji shrugged again. "It was either that or let him be part of security." She nodded towards Norris' empty glass. "Want a refill?"

He stared at her blankly for a moment before nodding. "Eh; why not."

Several moments later a full glass was placed in front of him. He picked it up and chugged a quarter of the contents before Guile suddenly paused, his glass halfway to his mouth. The Porre commander and the author/bartender stared at him, Norris wary of the disturbed look on the magician's face.

After several moments, he lowered his glass and looked at Reiji. "… Uh… Security?…"

She nodded. "Yup. She's actually quite efficient at her work. Wanna see what's left of her last job?" Before either of the men could object, she suddenly produced a scrap of black cloth with several strands of platinum hair clinging to it.

The left eye of both men twitched as they stared at the remains.

"THAT EEZ EET!"

"Drinks up!" Reiji suddenly called, leaning away from the bar. The two men, along with everyone else sitting at the bar, lifted their glasses up to head level. Sneff suddenly sat up, his eyes still closed.

A blur passed by on the bar, the backwash causing a significant breeze as Leena, who was thrown by Harle, slid all the way down the bar and clear into the wall on the other side. A moment passed before everyone at the bar resumed their former positions. Reiji waved her hand towards Sneff, who slowly lowered back down onto the bar.

Guile and Norris, both still a bit bewildered, warily eyed the black cloth still in Reiji's hands.

"And **what** did that guy do?" asked Norris.

She shrugged. "Killed my favorite character. Saikoro had fun with this one; he could fly."

"Then what's with the special treatment?" asked Guile, motioning towards Sneff, who was still out.

"I like him," she replied, walking towards the unconscious magician and pointing towards him. "Now if it was either of you-" she motioned towards the two beside him, "- I'd give you a pillow. Speaking of which, I should probably clean this place out a bit." She produced a walkie-talkie- from where the guys didn't _want_ to know- and spoke into it. "Clean up, seat B-11…"

From a door near the end of the bar came a very large and very strong-looking man. He approached the group and Norris and Guile felt themselves shrink in their seats. He appeared to be _at least_ a head taller than Viper or Guile, with **much** bigger shoulders and muscles.

"Be careful with him," said Reiji as the mammoth lifted Sneff from his seat, sounding almost like a concerned mother.

Almost.

The man merely nodded and turned back towards the door. Guile muttered a curse just before he took a drink, warily eyeing the man's retreating back.

"Gods," commented Norris. "Now I know why there wasn't much left of that guy…"

Reiji continued to wipe glasses. "No; that wasn't Saikoro. That's Argo. He carries the floored to the beds in the back. In return I don't make him dance or sing. Maybe play the drums once in a while, but otherwise…"

"Ah… beds?"

Reiji lifted a glass up to her eye, inspecting it closely. "Yup. There's a room for everyone back there. Plus the beds are really comfortable."

Guile took another sip of his drink. "Well, I guess that's okay…"

She chuckled as she lowered the glass and started wiping it again. "Of course, everyone will have the mother of all hangovers in the morning…"

Norris had his glass just about to his lips before he froze. "…What?"

The hand holding the rag went to her hip and the other motioned towards everyone in the room with the glass. "Teach you all a lesson. Can't do the time, don't do the crime." With that she walked away, towards the other people sitting at the bar.

"… Well, I'm done." Norris put his glass down.

"I don't get it," mused Guile, shifting on his stool slightly. "We've all been here the same time, yet we're still talking coherently. I mean, look at Viper and Lynx-"

The two were still singing, waving their drinks around. Korcha and Macha had both passed out some time ago and were replaced by a topless Pierre.

"'E's a genus in Franch! Genus in Franch!"

Kid, Leena, and Harle passed by the performance, still brawling. Leena had attached herself to Kid's back, pulling her hair with her teeth. Harle was sitting on Kid's left foot, biting her ankle. Kid wobbled around, her balance thrown off by the combination of alcohol and the weight of the girl on her back.

"Gah… Get off… bloody… BUGGER!"

Reaching over her shoulders she managed to peel Leena off her back, throwing her over her head and into the floor. She then kicked Harle off of her, who went sliding into Leena. With a roar she threw herself at the two.

Norris shrugged. "I say we're lucky. I mean; there's got to be _some_ kind of perk for being her favorite characters."

"Yeah, I guess it could be worse."

A pair of arms suddenly latched themselves around their shoulders, the person leaning against them in a drunken stupor.

"'Ey der boyz!"

"It just got worse," sighed Norris.

Luccia, with an intoxicated smile, looked at both of the men. Judging by the look- and smell- of her she was more hammered than Lynx and Viper. She hugged their shoulders, leaning forwards heavily.

"Vat're good lookin' guyz li' youse doin' 'ere at teh bar? Y' should be dahncin'!"

Both of the men looked up at what was now dubbed the "dancing table", where Pierre was shaking his rear, much to the delight of the female viewers. Several dollar bills were being waived in the air, and the two men could see Reiji preparing to end the situation with a double-barreled shotgun. They looked away just before the shot rang out, which seemed to be ignored other than a few groans of disappointment.

"I'll pass," said Guile as he looked at Luccia.

"It does look fun…" Norris mulled over the possibility before shaking his head. "Nah. I'll pass."

"Vell, den hous' 'bout ve all go up t' m' room?" She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Before either men could react, the sound of the shotgun rang out again. Only this time is was very, very close; so close, in fact, that Luccia flew backwards and onto the floor an instant after the sound and the two men were very glad that had used the bathroom not too long before.

They stared at the woman laying on the floor before quickly turning around. There behind the bar stood Reiji, a vein pulsing in her forehead in fury and the shotgun leveled and aimed at where the scientist had once stood. She looked so enraged they could have sworn she would have started to breathe out smoke. It would have been funny if they hadn't been ready to flee in absolute terror. However they were too scared to move, so they settled with spazzing in their seats.

"HOLY…!"

"WHAT THE…!"

Reiji darkly glared down at the offending scientist, her gun smoking slightly. "She's lucky this only holds two."

"Did you HAVE to KILL her!"

"Relax; it's only tranquilizers."

"Wouldn't a dart gun work just as good?" asked Norris as he sweat nervously.

She nudged the barrel upwards. "This is more fun."

As she called for a clean up, Guile looked around. No one seemed to notice anything that had happed. "My gods… Everyone else is too drunk… We're the only ones that notice anything going on…"

"Oh; about that…" started Reiji, almost as if it was a side thought that had occurred to her. "I timed your drinks. You should start feeling the effects of all the alcohol you both drank… oh…" She glanced at her wristwatch. "…about any second now."

The two men glanced at each other, then suddenly…

As it turned out, Norris did eventually get onto the dancing table. Anyone that waived a dollar bill in the air was shot on sight. Reiji found herself reloading every fifteen or so minutes. That didn't stop them, however, from stuffing the dollar bills down his shirt and into his pants pockets when Saikoro dragged him bodily across the floor, him kicking and screaming for mercy.

An argument broke out between Guile and Karsh over who had the prettiest hair. This developed into a fistfight of sorts, similar to the fight between Kid, Harle, and Leena that continued on simultaneously. Zappa stood by the pool table, drunkenly cheering for his son. The two men were a fighting blur of white clothes and long, lavender hair until Karsh somehow got his hands on a pair of scissors. The fight then turned into a chase, Karsh laughing evilly with the scissors held out in front of him and running after Guile, who was clutching his braid and trying to escape. Eventually there was the sound of the two men collapsing to the floor, then an exaggerated _SNIP_. For a moment afterwards, the entire bar was deathly silent. Then a screeching war cry echoed throughout the building and the chase started anew; this time Karsh was the one being chased, the scissors in his left hand and Guile's braid in his right, running like mad. He had apparently reached a level of drunkenness where he was almost child-like; not only was their a big grin on his face, but he switched between giggling and squealing an excited "WHEEEEEEEE!" as he ran. Guile, however, his hair now shoulder-length and his blue eyes burning with a fiery rage, appeared that, once he caught Karsh, he would strangle him with his own hair. Everything beyond this point was fuzzy in their memory, and they awoke the next morning in their own rooms and in their beds, bound and gagged (and also, somehow, with Guile's hair seemingly untouched) with headaches the size of El Nido.

Author's note: Thus ends my strange tale. I dare someone to draw a scene from it. I double dare you- no,_ triple _dog dare you.


End file.
